Survival…

Well, here I am again, trying to force myself to post after some long time of hiatus. I've been seriously considering posting one last farewell post on this blog, because it did seem that I can't keep up with everything that had been going on in my life. Everything seems to have been under the major theme of stagnation. Winter is here already, and yet, I couldn't even force myself to do the things that I usually like to do in winter here; take a walk around with my camera and try to find some hidden obscure treasures around me, since I can't drive elsewhere, nor did I travel in some long time, and probably for some long time to come as well. Yet, nothing happened. My life had been going through daily routines and pouts of fatigue. I consider myself lucky to be typing this right now actually. I'm hoping that I will finish it in time though.
This post, anyway, is not ought to be long, but merely going through the few things that I've done in the past months since September or August even. I've ordered some new gear for my arsenal in hope that they'd incite me to do some work with the camera, but unfortunately, I've failed miserably (and I can't help but to think am I the only one to blame here).

Закрытые Двери
(closed doors)

During this hiatus (which is still going on), my phone was probably my best friends when there were moments worth of shooting. My mind could not (and cannot at the moment) participate in preplanned projects of photography, and since this phone is with me wherever I go right now (a situation that I consider new since it wasn't a habit of mine before), this phone had been my friend whenever something occurs to me that is worth shooting (like Closed Doors). Whenever the case is worth it, I can shoot in RAW in my old Huawei and then I'd complete the process on PC. Editing RAW files from the phone can be tricky though since the color system or space in use in such RAW files are not like the typical RAW files I work with from my Canon, but still, the results can be interesting during the process.

Confused VI

As I've mentioned already, I've got some few toys back in July in hope that they would incite me to do something creative with my camera and gear. Despite the "ambition," I didn't do much except for shooting my eye and making a series of shots which I've called Confused; reflecting on my mental status at that time (and now). All the shots were similar in essence, and all done using the new prism filter (from Neewer). They just differ in processing and maybe in crop and magnification a bit. Nothing creative here.

آمالٌ مُضْطَّرِبَةٌ
(turbulent hopes)

The creativity, ironically, came about shortly away from the new set of toys, with some ideas that sparked in me after reflecting on my life and my current stagnation (which is still going on). In this project, I've tried to use one of my new filters (the star flare filters set), but it wasn't quite effective, because of the usage of speedlites in this project. Nevertheless, I kept on working on it with many delays and procrastination. Initially, the idea was to shoot everything in one go, but since I've been working alone (as usual), this proved to be impractical, and I had to make snippets from each part and put them together in post-processing. So far and since that shooting (which took place back around the end of September), I've created 4 images from the load of shots I've taken in this project, three of which are from a series which I've called Turbulent Hopes. There are other images that worth inspection still, but yet I didn't manage to force myself to look at them and process them. It seems that once I've finished from the project (or so I think), I've just grown bored with it already. In fact, the setting is still up in the hall across my room in hope that I can do something else (I had some plans at the back of my head), but till then, I can't promise myself even to do anything about it. 

The setting for shooting Turbulent Hopes.

(Un)Social Media

The so-called "social media" had been off the grid with me lately as well. As the stagnation keeps lingering, I've also started to withdraw from these platforms, and I've stated that already in previous posts. Things, though, got somewhat ridiculous at some point with Instagram and Facebook, with bans and restrictions on my account being on and off. Even though the restrictions had been lifted for some time, these events really made me tired of such stupidity. Moreover, there is not much to be gained through these platforms (and I don't mean financial gain as much as popularity and propagating my work through them at least). If I was lucky, like super-lucky, I might gain 20 likes in a single post on sometimes (compared to an average of 30 to 40 likes on a single post some years back).
All this non-sense made me withdraw even further, and I've seriously considered deleting my Instagram completely, if not for the advice of some online friends who urged me to keep it. Yet, I'm not keen on posting regularly there; a single post would suffice for any week, if any. I would be lucky to get 10 likes in a month time on any post there right now. Things are even worse when it comes to Facebook, which treat me as a non-existent entity, and the people that I know there are probably busy with their own lives to notice what I post there even (and thanks to the algorithm that doesn't deem what I post important apparently anyway).
I've identified another platform, called Pixelfed, which operates in some weird way, but it is far better in terms of chronological order and the absence of ads. Yet, it is not widely known, so not much activity is expected there. It has a nice feature (like a remnant from Flickr), where a user can organize the images into collections or folders, like albums. My activity there is still minimum, and I don't post daily, as the interaction there is also minimal because it's not popular much (and it has some weird system, to me); Yet, I do think it is far better than Instagram. Maybe it just needs some time to be a competitor. One issue, though, with Pixelfed is that the Adobe1998 color space is not identified on this platform, and images uploaded would be switched to or forced into be displayed in sRGB space, which results in dull colors or less saturated colors for some images. I've sent a feedback about this issue, but I'm not sure if there is anything to be done about it.

 

The Stocks

It is strange how much can happen in just 3 months or even less. One of these things is the closure of Canstockphoto; a photo stock website which I've been uploading to since 2007. In fact, my first ever stock website to deal with and to upload my photos to. I've always kept a signature here on this blog for a direct link to my portfolio there, but now I have to remove it.
On the other hand, I still have 2 operating stock websites: Dreamstime and 123RF. I've decided previously to stop uploading to Dreamstime for some issues that I deem "ethical" to me. Meanwhile, with the advances in AI, 123RF decided to allow for AI art uploads, which I think is such a critical decision, because people would be most likely be generating their own art (specially those looking for models in the images). All that makes it easier to obtain art for various purposes, so it seems the role of photography here is diminishing in this field as well. For this reason, it seems that I'm about taking the decision to stop uploading to 123RF as well and just keep whatever is left there; if it is useful in any way.
With all these changes, I think I'm left solely with doing photography for art, whenever I can that is. It's been a while since I've held the camera and shot something (excluding the quick snippets with my phone). Unless some surprise happens, then I guess I'll be doing art for myself alone and maybe share a little of it on Instagram, just out of the desire to tell myself that I still exist in this world still.

 

Finale

秋天的舞孃
(Autumn's dancing lady)

I have my hopes now that this blog post would break the stagnation that I've been going through for months, even before my last post back in September. Loneliness, self-flogging, increased isolation by choice or forced; many things had been pushing me on the verge of mental collapse of some sort. Would I be able to travel any time soon, despite all the circumstances I'm going through and the eye condition that hindered me cuffed to this house? I just have my hopes there.
My sleeping pattern had been disturbed to some paramount measures. I would literally sleep 6 or 7 hours (which was a luxury for me during my working days) and yet wake up for 2 or 3 hours and go back to bed for another 4 or 5 hours of sleep, just like that. I guess this is what they call "escapism" maybe. Food had been also one of the issues that keep my mind occupied, ironically, from day to day, as one of the issues that make me separate from the rest in this house is my eating habits that don't align with the rest, as well as the frequent loss of appetite. I've been passing some days without having a decent meal, literally, but passing the day with coffee and chocolate (and cake, if such option was available).
One is ought to say that facing opposition in life is such a normal thing, yet I would say there are limits to everything, and any human being would get tired of everything, and tired of licking their own wounds in hopes that tomorrow would be better. I know there are things that I need to change, and yet, I don't know how to change, or what to change in the first place. Did I pick this sort of life all by myself and the only one to blame? Was it forced for some reason beyond my humble understanding for life? I just don't know… Whatever it is, I just hope it all ends any time now. The least I wish for right now is to enjoy this winter, as I used to every year.